Monday, March 28, 2011

Actual Quotes from Company Manuals

My all time favourite advice from a company manual is from a chapter that after explaining how to tear out the electrical wiring to make snares to catch rabbits, notes that you will get sick if you eat nothing but rabbits for a week. I've mentioned that one before, but I have a few more gems to share with you.

"Pilots must use their best judgment in dealing with life threatening situations."

Those were from the section on dealing with hijackers. I WISH I had the lack of scruples to quote you the hijack bomb threat instructions because they are hilarious. I am now convinced that airline pilots affect the solemn, noble "I'm sorry I can't tell you that for security reasons" demeanour on this subject because they would be embarrassed to admit the ridiculous advice their company gives them to deal with a whacko with a gun to their head. You might be better off to read the hijacker the manual and hope he keels over laughing.

"In the event of a forced landing, if time permits, it would be advisable to anticipate possible injuries (especially head trauma and broken ankles) to one or both pilots and have an evacuation plan."

So after you've run all the checklists, you turn to the pilot in the other seat and say, "In the four minutes before we hit the ground, I'd like to make a pact with you that if one of us is conscious and capable of locomotion while the other isn't that we'll drag each other's asses out of the burning plane, okay?" Or does it go more like "Anticipating head trauma and broken ankles, lets skip movie night on Tuesday, k?" Maybe someone with more CRM experience can give me a heads up on how that conversation goes.

Elsewhere I'm advised that in the event of complete loss of pitot-static information, I should fly pitch and power. That's easy to say, but in IMC it would be extremely difficult. It's not something a person gets a lot of opportunity to practice.


Aluwings said...

"In the event of a forced landing, ... it would be advisable to ... have an evacuation plan."

I'm pretty sure I'll be struggling to not "evacuate" myself before I can get to the bathroom! note to self - pack extra underwear.

Cedarglen said...


Cirrocumulus said...

Organs, yes, but there's very little fat on a rabbit.
I want to know the bit about bomb threats!

Aviatrix said...

I want to know the bit about bomb threats!

Aviatrix puts on serious face.

"I'm sorry, but it would an irresponsible action for overall aviation safety were I to reveal the wording of the company SOP on bomb threats or hijacking."

Aviatrix runs away around the corner and bursts out laughing.

cockney.steve said...

Bomb threat strategy ...reminds me of a fire-extinguisher mounted on a wall-bracket with a small booklet hanging from it by a string.

The cover stated "IN CASE OF FIRE"

curiousity got the better of me and i opened the booklet to reveal

" Not now, you silly bugger,- IN CASE of fire "

Yes, there are plenty of desk-wallahs who are totally divorced from the real world.