Missing? Search Again!

 As well as training pilots, I train flight followers, the people responsible for, in the words of the legislation ...

CARS 722.12 (2) Flight Following

Flight Following for a Type D system is the monitoring of a flight's progress and the notification of appropriate air operator and search and rescue authorities if the flight is overdue or missing.

Naturally if I train people to notify the authorities when a flight is missing, they have to know what that means, so I looked it up. First hit was on Wikipedia ...

According to Annex 13 of the International Civil Aviation Organization, an aircraft is considered to be missing "when the official search has been terminated and the wreckage has not been located"

That doesn't make any sense, but it wouldn't be the first time Wikipedia was wrong or that Canada had a different definition than the international one. I find a Transport Canada source.

Advisory Circular (AC) No. 100-001 Subject: Glossary for Pilots and Air Traffic Services Personnel

An aircraft is considered to be missing when the official search has been terminated and the wreckage has not been located.

So, according to Transport Canada, I am to train the flight followers to report an overdue aircraft promptly to SAR, and then, weeks later when the search and rescue experts have failed to locate the aircraft and advise that they are discontinuing the search, to report the missing aircraft once again to SAR. At least I won't have to look very hard for relevant humour to spice up this part of the instruction.

Extra-Vehicular Activities

I was trying to find a clip of the coffee-ordering scene from the movie Pushing Tin. In the film it's a demonstration of how many pieces of data on different aircraft that an experienced controller can hold in his or her head simultaneously. I didn't find the clip, but I came across a pilot ordering coffee and wings in the midst of an emergency, and a fun YouTube channel of humourous exchanges from the New York Kennedy ground frequency.

Taxiing at a large, unfamiliar airport is just about as stressful as flying at night in ice. There's just one of me to keep the airplane moving, watch out for bad pavement, find the directional signs, interpret the taxi diagram, identify the intersections, and spot the aircraft I'm supposed to give way to. It's obvious to the controllers which way I should go, but they know the airport layout perfectly, and from their vantage point they can see where they want to put me. They seem almost as unhappy when I pause to complete a checklist or figure out my route as they do when I think that Foxtrot-Golf is the next turn, not this one right here. Sure, if I get it badly wrong in ice, I'll lose control of the airplane and die, but that consequence might be less painful than the scolding that an irate controller can dish out. The worst case scenario on the taxi is also death: should I venture onto an active runway at the wrong moment, I could get run over and take out a widebody, too. That is part of the reason the controllers can be so stressed. The rest of their focus is knowing that it is ridiculously easy for us poorly-maneuverable ground vehicles to become gridlocked, delaying everyone. The controllers have a plan for getting everyone where we are supposed to be, and if I miss a turn, I'm like the Tetris brick dropped in the wrong place, messing up the whole board. Meanwhile controllers are really smart, constantly building and recalculating plans, but with enough spare brainpower to make smart remarks.

The link above is not to the first or the funniest of the clips on the channel, but rather to one that is more odd than funny: a Lufthansa crew suspects they have an access panel open and once that's confirmed by another taxiing aircraft, ask permission to put a crewmember outside the airplane to close it. It's interesting and a little outside the norm, but the controller seems to think it's hilarious. I wonder what he would have made of a stop-and-go I did the other day: I landed on a long runway, let a crew member out to adjust an external sensor, and then after he was back in and belted, took off again without ever leaving or backtracking the runway. The controller handling me didn't act as though it were an unusual request. I had assessed the approaching traffic on frequency before making the request, so I was confident there was no one close behind me. I'm not sure we spent any longer on the runway than we would have had we landed and taxied off in the normal way.

Delicious Donair

Tower passed me to the centre frequency just in time for me to hear, "We have the delicious donair in sight."

I could see the question marks over my non-pilot co-worker's head before she asked, "Is that a restaurant?"

While I have been asked to report overhead a McDonald's before, that was by a small tower where the controllers knew me, not on a Centre frequency. I gave her my best guess as to what had transpired, and I'll tell you what that was in a moment, after a diversionary paragraph or two on other recent ATC exchanges, in case you want to formulate your own guess before you see mine.

This one also takes place on Centre frequency, but I've been on the frequency a long time, and it's quiet. An airline pilot gives his call sign and asks, "Are you still there?" The Centre controller answers in the affirmative and the pilot explains, "It was getting lonely." That may sound like a frivolous exchange, but it's actually a slightly quirky way of making an often necessary call. It's not uncommon to get out of range of your assigned frequency before you're assigned another. Sometimes the controller is just about to swap you but there's a flurry of activity or a handover briefing and you glide out of range before they can. Aircraft at the same nominal altitude are at different actual altitudes above terrain from day to day, depending on the temperature, so the point at which terrain cuts off a signal for an aircraft at FL180 is not identical from one day to another. Your radio can die, you can accidentally switch frequency, or the controller can think they have you on one frequency when you're really on another. My approach is usually to ask for the latest altimeter setting. That confirms that I'm still in range and gives me useful information, too.

Just today a United flight made a plaintive little call for anyone on frequency to respond. They had lost contact with Centre, and asked me if I could find them a frequency. I wonder if they thought Canada was terribly primitive not to have kept track of them. I relayed their predicament to the controller. I have been in the room where those Centre controllers are, and would have half expected the controller to just lean back in her wheely chair and call out, "Who's looking for United 1126?" But nope, she asked me for the aircraft's position and then, based on that, advised me which frequency to relay back to them.

So back to the donair. My best guess was that the controller had asked them to report the Dornier [probably the Do-228, a boxy turboprop] in sight, and that the pilot decided to call it a Donair [meat sliced from a vertical rotisserie, usually served in flatbread]. If we're really lucky, someone who was on frequency for the whole exchange is a reader and we can find out the truth.

On the Radio Lately

Today I give you a collection of things pilots and controllers have said that made me smile enough to scrawl them on my OFP.


--
Controller: Aircraft calling, standby. Aircraft .. everybody just standby.

--

Pilot: Centre, Aircraft Z, Any chance of direct the beacon?
ATC: No. [no call sign, just 'no']
--

Pilot: Centre, Aircraft Y, 60 nm W of fix, 16,000.
Centre: That's lovely. You should tell Approach on <freq>.

---
Pilot: <Gives aircraft position report parked at an FBO>
Controller: This is the departure frequency. We'll talk to you later.

--
A controller makes several calls without a reply, to an American Mustang that has been having fun shooting approaches into fogbound airports. Good practice. I've heard that guy up here before. The pilot finally comes back says he had a radio problem. A few minutes later the same controller loses contact with another US airplane. "No one is listening to me today," he laments on frequency.
--
Controller. "Where is that? My map is crappy."

Cleared to Land

All the best, folks. I'm not flying today, so I can have all the rum and eggnog I want*. Please enjoy all of whatever it is you enjoy this season and smile graciously when declining whatever it is you don't.

*That would be none. I don't like eggnog, and while it's possible to add enough rum to hide the taste, I don't like straight liquor much either.

Let Me Know When You're Sure

When I look at those websites that compile silly pilot jokes, most of the time I think they make up the jokes, but I swear I heard these calls myself, and scribbled them on my OFP while giggling. I have changed only the call signs.

Centre: N123, I'm sure you have the airport in sight.
Pilot: I think I do.
Centre: You let me know when you're sure.

It was a clear day, and I suppose pilots familiar with the airport had been reporting the airport in sight further out, but I sympathize with the visitor. You can get embarrassingly close to an unfamiliar airport before you're SURE it's not an agricultural field or a straight spot on the freeway.

ATC: ABC are you on frequency?
Pilot: Turning back to practice area now, sorry 'bout that.
ATC: Proceed to the practice area and stay in there.

The pilot had just transited controlled airspace associated with a major airport in order to reach an uncontrolled training area, and the controller correctly guessed that he might still be on frequency.

"We haaaaave, well whatever's current at Edmonton" - major airline pilot

The pilot was attempting to say the identifying letter of the recorded airport information he had received, but realized after starting the sentence that he's forgotten it or couldn't find or read where he'd written it down. The elongated word while trying to think of the right information is so pilot-like, because we are trained not to say extra words. In ordinary conversation you might extend the sentence while looking for the information, "We have the current ATIS information here, it's ..." but that would sound ridiculous on the radio.

Prior Spaceflight Experience is a Plus

Here are two pilot jobs that amused me, but which I must admit I didn't apply to. The first one is a modification on the usual tactic of hiring people at starvation wages to throw bags and check in customers, while dangling "if you show a good work ethic we'll put you on the airplane" in front of them. It works fairly well for the companies. They get a relatively sober, intelligent and obedient workforce for the price of dumping them in a remote location and ensuring they don't starve to death. Promote a few into the airplanes every spring and the supply of new suckers keeps pace with the ones you have to fire for going crazy.

Need IT pilot with extensive experience in servers and software to help with our computer system and be in line to move up to be trained as first officer. If you have over 1500 hrs you might be eligible for immediate consideration.

There are so many pilots out there that if an employer has specific needs, they might as well ask for what they want. Pilots who do not meet the qualifications will apply. Reader Chris Thompson sent me the second one requiring more than just IT experience.

Virgin Galactic seeking private spaceship pilots

MOJAVE, Calif.—Virgin Galactic is seeking people with the right stuff. The Antelope Valley Press in California says the spaceline founded by Sir Richard Branson has put out a call for pilots to operate its SpaceShipTwo spacecraft and WhiteKnightTwo mother ship. Those selected would fly during development testing currently under way and commercial operations at some point in the future. The company is looking for test pilots who graduated from a respectable flight school and who have a minimum of 3,000 hours of flying experience. Prior spaceflight experience is a plus, but not required. Virgin Galactic plans to fly tourists on brief suborbital flights at a cost of $200,000 per person. SpaceShipTwo is based on the design of SpaceShipOne, the first private manned craft to reach space.

That's the first time I remember seeing the word 'spaceline'. We have airlines and bus lines, railway lines and cruise ship lines, and had stagecoach lines (my great-something grandfather ran one). I wonder what the first thing we called a transportation "line" was.

Seagull Takeout

I have a soft spot for seagulls. I know they crap on everything, and I have had to clean one's guts off my airplane before when it decided to use the same runway as I was, but they're so cute. They can fly the hell out of most weather. They can float. They can walk. They can perch on things. I like their big shiny white bodies, the way they adapt to city life as if the lampposts were designed to be footwarmers, and their boldness in going after what they want.

This one is a little wary as it steals the cat's food, trying to keep one eye on the cat as it dines, and at 28 seconds into the video, solves that problem hilariously.

Can you be a pilot and not admire birds? They find the best thermals. They complete tricky crosswind landings with no knowledge of aerodynamics. They perform astonishing formation flight, carry awkward external loads, execute pinpoint landings and even fly underwater. For me it's the gulls, jays and corvidae: the clever, annoying problem-solvers. I know a lot of people prefer the high-flying, sharp-eyed raptors. Are helicopter pilots partial to hummingbirds?

New York ATC

New York's JFK airport was closed for a few hours due to snow, and when it reopened, taxiways and aprons were still a partly ploughed mess. Someone I know recorded their air traffic controllers' famous sense of humour.

Aircraft being handed off to ground by the tower were being told words to the effect of, "Welcome to New York. Good luck finding your gate. Contact ground on point niner."

An Iceland Air flight landed and called ground for taxi. The controller asked them if the winterscape "looked like home" to which they responded "it looks more like home than home looks right now."

The Night Before Christmas

I don't mind the original poem, but I don't like 'Twas the Night Before Christmas parodies. So I'm not giving you one. Here is a new, original, aviation themed Christmas piece written by a Comics Curmudgeon reader I know only as Old Goat

.

The following is an excerpt from a CVR transcript:
Capt. S. Claus (15:26:37): Uh what a view of the Bay today.
First Officer B. Elf (15:26:42): yeah.
Elf (15:26:52): Skids up please, after takeoff checklist.
Claus (15:26:54): Skids up.
Claus (15:27:07): After takeoff checklist complete.
Claus (15:27:10.4): Birds.
Elf (15:27:11): Whoa.
(15:27:11.4): (Sound of thump/thud(s) followed by shuddering sound.)
Elf (15:27:12): oh (expletive).
Claus (15:27:13): Oh yeah.
(15:27:13): (Sound similar to decrease in reindeer noise.)
Elf (15:27:14): Uh oh.
Claus (15:27:15): We got one rolling — eight of ‘em rolling back.
(15:27:18): (Rumbling sound begins and continues until approximately 15:28:08.)
Claus (15:27:18.5): Giddy-up deer.
Claus (15:27:32.9): Mayday mayday mayday. Uh this is uh Sled One hit birds, we’ve lost power all reindeer turning back towards Pole Field.
North Pole Departure Control (15:27:42): Ok uh, you need to return to the Pole? Turn left heading of uh three six zero.
(15:27:43): (Sound similar to shaking noise from reindeer harness begins.)?___
Elf (15:28:02): Airspeed optimum restart. Three hundred knots. we don’t have that.
Claus (15:28:05): We don’t.
Departure control (15:28:05): Sled one, if we can get it for you do you want to try to land runway one three?
Elf (15:28:05): If three nineteen…
Claus (15:28:10.6): We’re unable. We may end up in Hudson Bay.
Departure control (15:28:31): Arright Sled One it’s gonna be left traffic for runway three one.
Claus (15:28:35): Unable.
Traffic Collision Avoidance System (15:28:36): Traffic traffic.
Departure control (15:28:36): Okay, what do you need to land?
Elf (15:28:37): (He wants us) to come in and land on one three … for whatever.
Predictive Windshear System (15:28:45): Go around. Windshear ahead.
Departure control (15:28:46): Sled One runway four’s available if you wanna make left traffic to runway four.
Claus (15:28:49.9): I’m not sure we can make any runway. Uh what’s over to our right anything in Canada maybe Nunavut?
Departure control (15:28:55): Ok yeah, off your left side is Nunavut airport.
Elf (15:29:00): No restart after thirty seconds, reindeer master one through eight confirm …
Departure control (15:29:02): You wanna try and go to Nunavut?
Claus (15:29:03): Yes.?___
Departure control (15:29:21): Sled One turn right two eight zero, you can land runway one at Nunavut.
Claus (15:29:22): We can’t do it.
Elf (15:29:24): Is that all the power you got? … number one? Or we got power on number one.
Departure control (15:29:27): Kay which runway would you like at Nunavut?
Flight Warning Computer (15:29:27): (Sound of continuous repetitive chime for 9.6 seconds.)
Claus (15:29:28): We’re gonna be in the Bay.
Departure control (15:29:33): I’m sorry say again Sled??___
Departure control (15:29:53): Sled One radar contact is lost you also got Saskatchewan airport off your ten o’clock about one hundred miles.
Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning system (15:29:55): Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up.
Elf (15:30:01): Got skids out.
Elf (15:30:03): Two hundred fifty feet in the air.
Ground Proximity Warning System (15:30:04): Too low. Terrain.
Elf (15:30:06): Hundred and seventy knots.
Elf (15:30:09): Got no power on any deer?
Radio from overhead commercial plane (15:30:09): I think he said he’s going in the Hudson.?___
Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning system (15:30:15): Caution terrain.
Elf (15:30:16): Hundred and fifty knots.
Claus (15:30:21): Got any ideas?
Elf (15:30:22): Actually not.
Departure control (15:30:23): Pole One if you can uh …. you got uh runway uh two nine available at Saskatchewan it’ll be ten o’clock and about ninety miles.
Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning system (15:30:24): Terrain terrain. Pull up. Pull up. (“pull up” repeats until the end of the recording).
Claus (15:30:38): Brace!

I especially like the recasting of the Hudson River as the Hudson Bay, and the resulting cameos by Nunavut and northern Saskatchewan, even though the whole of each province and territory gets one aerodrome.

Old Joke - New Ending

This post started out as me just posting a joke, but then I thought too hard about it.

Passenger: Why was the flight delayed?
CSA: The pilot didn't like the sound of the engine.
Passenger: Did they get another engine?
Old Ending: No, they got another pilot.
New Ending: No, they downloaded new sounds.

They're talking about putting artificial sounds on electric cars so that blind people can hear them. They already have artificial pre-stall warning symptoms (i.e. the stick shaker) on airliner flight decks, to mimic the feeling of the stall buffet in the airplanes most pilots learned to fly in. Perhaps someday there will be a reason to use artificial engine sounds to mimic the sounds pilots are accustomed to in monitoring our engines. Detonation, backfiring, missed cylinders, loose flyweights, or "scary banging sounds."

Usually gauges provide the information we need, but there have certainly been many times when an engine sound has made me look at the gauges. Gauge irregularities make us listen to the engines (make us look at them too, that's actually part of the procedure, to make sure they aren't on fire).

---

There's an unexpected aviation connection to breaking news. Prince William, who is second in line to the throne and will probably become the King of Canada someday, has just announced his engagement to a woman who is the progeny of a flight attendant and a flight dispatcher. Long live the Queen!

Jet Age

I have just finished reading Jet Age: The Comet, the 707, and the Race to Shrink the World by Sam Howe Verhovek. It's the story of the development of the first jet airliners, and the establishment of transoceanic air travel, including reviewing the whole history of aviation from Icarus through to the Boeing 707 and its contemporaries.

After a few hilariously pessimistic quotations from people who should have known better doubting the future of aviation, the book opens with the de Havilland Comet, pride of the British Empire, grounded after three aircraft were destroyed by explosions shortly after takeoff. Meanwhile in Seattle, Bill Allen of Boeing was trying to make the jump from military to civilian contracts. He staked the future of his company on the Boeing 707, which debuted while the Comet was still grounded. Verhovek's story is not linear, often irritating in the way it jumps back in time then builds forward again along a new thread, returning to a previous development as if it had not already been the subject of an entire chapter. Perhaps people who grew up reading hypertext don't read books straight through, and a good index ensures you'll be able to find the time period or player you're looking for.

Every aspect of the tale is deeply researched, and illustrated with occasionally quirky but never boring anecdotes. It covers not just the technical aspects of spanning the world in an airplane, but also the politics, from the "great sandwich war" of 1954 to the negotiations between the manufacturers, airlines and government to finance the development of a jet, and of course the people that made it happen. There are even mini-biographies of some unexpected players, such as Tex Johnston, the Boeing test pilot, who famously rolled the 707 during a public demonstration flight and Ellen Church, the woman who conceived of flight attendants and convinced United Airlines to hire her as the very first. Highlights of airplane designer Geoffrey de Havilland's bio include his ancestor Sieur de Havylland, one of the commanders of William the Conqueror's army. There are fewer details than I had hoped for of the accident investigation process that revealed the design flaws in the original Comet, but Verhovek does describe the amusing Britishness of the worsted three-piece suits and other wardrobe of the crash test dummies. I suspect the eight page bibliography provided is just the highlights of what Verhovek read while preparing this book.

There are few geek details on specifications, design decisions, and the construction and testing of the new airliners, and this is not a picture book, although it does include about eight plates of historical black and white photos. In addition to the 707 and Comet, Verhovek also mentions the roles played by Douglas aircraft, the Canadian Avro C102, Soviet Tupolev Tu-104, and French Caravelle.

I found Sam Verhovek's prose occasionally distractingly flowery, calling attention to itself rather than simply creating images and providing information. Perhaps Verhovek is nostalgic not only for the age of the jetliners but for the days when news stories used the kind of language seen in the copious period quotations. It's still a very readable book and it doesn't demand background or current knowledge of the industry from the reader.

If you want technical details on the design process of the B707 or an explanation of the Comet disasters that extends beyond "square windows" and "metal fatigue" this book may disappoint. But if you like aviation stories and don't demand your history in chronological order, you'll probably enjoy reading Jet Age.

I received a free advance copy of this book from the publisher.

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Publisher Avery offers another copy of this book as a contest prize. I wasn't going to run a contest, but reading all the stories in Jet Age inspired me. Here's the competition:

What is your favourite anecdote from the history of aviation? In the comments for this post, leave a description, up to 200 words long, of the funniest, most poignant, most inspirational or whatever you think is the "best" story to come out of man's urge to fly. If you don't have a registered blogger ID, please e-mail a copy of the comment to me so I know who made it, in case you win.

In a week I'll put up a new post that lets everyone vote on the best. Judging criteria (going by my experience of such things) will probably be a combination of how much the voter likes the story, how well they think you retold it, an assessment of your spelling and grammar, and how much you have annoyed or pleased other readers during your tenure as a blog reader. I'll leave voting open for a week, then I'll tell the publisher to send a copy of Jet Age to the winner. I'd plan a speedier timeline than that, but I expect to be incommunicado for a couple of weeks starting day after tomorrow, so I'll have to let this run itself.

Glamour in the Skies

UK airline Virgin Atlantic has a new television ad is sidesplittingly funny, and underscores the cultural difference between North America and the old country. I can't seem to embed it, so you'll have to go here to watch it and then come back.

It's simply clever. James Bond is of course a British product that has worldwide recognition and the whole ad is reminiscent of the title sequence for a James Bond movie, which by association probably makes it seem racier than it is. The ad takes you through a whole airline trip without breaking stride. I especially love the line of passengers going through the airport scanner on their way to the airstairs. It incorporates the airport experience while eliding most of it.

Maybe someone will complain that the women are presented as sex objects, but they need to look around and see all the people in the ad are sexy, including the men going through the scanner and pole dancing on the shrimp forks. And the women are powerful sexy, almost stomping on the tiny men at the beginning. The strongest "where are they going with this?" moment was the FA opening her jacket to produce the scene change. I love the way the standard flight attendant gestures describing the locations of exits and the floor illumination morph into a dance sequence.

I could probably go nuts watching it for symbols of one sort or another. Almost all the shapes and sets are sexy people or airplanes or parts of airplanes. I see a € Euro sign in the moon, and the Statue of Liberty represents both the USA and France.

And then they poke fun at all that surrealism by actually referring to the flying flight attendants in the final lines. I can't hear the response clearly: it sounds like "She's in my ambulance," but I've been assured that it's, "She's in Miami." I don't know where I get the final sibilant.

Also, I have shoes like that, and I love them, but they aren't really practical for air travel. I empathize with the woman taking them off in the last shot. Tiny details of not taking itself entirely seriously, like that one, may be how this ad manages to dance along the line between sexy and sexist without stepping over.

Another Funny CVR Story

Grant linked to this in a comment yesterday. It is spot on, taking the Onion`s usual formula of perfectly copying the format of a familiar news story while twisting it silly.

Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash

I laughed too hard not to share it with those of you who don't read the comments. (You should, though: Cockpit Conversation readers are witty, well-informed, interesting people).

"Explosion!"

Some of My Best Friends Fly Helicopters

But I laughed so hard at this.

My Customers Are Smarter

I've been browsing a website of astonishing customer interactions. I'll give you the link in a moment, but first let me give thanks for my own wonderful customers.

I am very grateful that my customers are sane and aviation savvy. They understand that I can't fly the airplane with something wrong, even if they would drive a truck in the same condition. They recognize the safety value of making conservative decisions. And they have never once taken frustration out on me when the weather, aircraft, regulations, late arriving parts or other aspects of the world mean that a flight has to be cancelled. The frequently change their minds, but my job is to be flexible for them. Occasionally they make decisions that don't seem optimal to me, or reject suggestions that I thought would make their lives easier, but I am able to trust that they are sane and will take responsibility for their decisions.

Sometimes I do charter flights with people less familiar with aircraft, but it's expensive enough to book a charter flight that I seem to be shielded from the customers who lack not only a basic knowledge of the world, but the comprehension and information processing skills to ever learn. This post is dedicated to all the front line customer service people who have no protection against such customers.

All the people I interact with seem to be familiar with basic logic and causality, plus know that airplanes need fuel, airports are noisy, weather can make air travel unpredictable, and amazing as I am I am not superhuman.

The site is Not Always Right. I'll warn you that it's so simultaneously hilarious and jaw-dropping that you may not be able to tear yourself away from it. Here's an aviation example illustrating the principle that some customers don't seem to be able to absorb basic information about the world. It \s also a commonly successful type of response: the person serving the customer finds something to say that satisfies the customer, even when it's not entirely true.

Solution to Faltering Airlines

One of the participants in an online discussion group gave me permission to steal his novel economic proposal for the entertainment of you blog readers.

Force every oil company to buy at least one airline, i.e. make the operation of an oil company conditional on owning an airline with the size and scope of one of the US majors. Then Congress does not have to worry about bailing out airlines, and they don't have to worry about public outrage about exorbitant profits at oil companies either. It is a win-win all around!

Also, you could redeem petro points for air miles.

Best Parts Story Ever

The person who told me the best parts story ever was working at an FBO and was asked to order instrument air filters for a Piper Chieftain. Panel instruments can heat up quite a bit from friction and electrical power, so typically there is a fan drawing air through a channel to cool the instruments. In order to avoid damaging the instruments with particles or dust, the air is filtered. Eventually the filter gets dirty and has to be changed. All very sensible and logical. Hence the need to order new ones.

As you would expect, the air filters have a part number. Ordering airplane parts is much like ordering anything else. You contact the supplier with the part number and shipping and payment information and they agree to send you the part. Ordering of this part was uneventful. I'm just drawing out the story.

The parcel arrives. Inside the box is a poly bag printed with the Piper name and the correct part number. Inside the poly bag is the paperwork certifying these to be genuine aircraft parts. And inside the bag are five Tampax tampons. I don't mean five rolled wads of cotton with strings on the end, closely resembling Tampax tampons. I mean five actual Tampax tampons, still in the manufacturer's individual wrappers, designating them as "super" absorbency, not regular or junior. I'm afraid I neglected to ask if they used the "pearl" or the biodegradable applicators.

They cost approximately ten dollars each.

I also didn't ask if they came with insertion instructions, but I'm going to assume that if they did, they weren't the same as the ones Tampax generally provides.

Road Bumps

A while ago -- a long while ago, I just found some old notes -- a fellow pilot out at Oakland in his Cessna Skyhawk had a closer-than-comfortable encounter with an MD-80 that was transporting federal prisoners.

We were e-mailing about the juicy non-blogged details, and then I said, "Can you imagine if there had been a collision and they had to evacuate it on the runway? It would have been like a scene out of The Fugitive!" (I love that movie. I probably rewatch it a couple times a year). But then a moment's thought made me realize, "Mind you, running over you probably wouldn't have damaged it at all."

He produced this speculative cockpit conversation aboard the MD-80:

"What was that noise?"

"I dunno... probably just the new embedded hold short lights. Oh look, there's that weirdo Piaggio parked next to Execjet again! Now where the hell did that 172 in the runup area go?"

Ouch. He continues to be vigilant so that scenario does not come to pass.

My aircraft is only big enough that I have to worry about where my prop wash goes more for courtesy than endangering smaller aircraft, but I suppose there are airplanes small enough that I could run one over in the dark. I think I'd notice, though. I know right away as I add power if some helpful FBO employee has chocked a wheel without me noticing.

Rejecting an Inadequate Aerodrome

E-mail forwarded from the client by the boss indicates that a hotel room is booked for me in an Alberta town. I'm to fly there.

I look it up and e-mail the boss back.

"I got your message about the hotel rooms but I refuse to operate into the local aerodrome on account of it being a heliport."

I know the client has done more research than that about our needs. I find a strip at the next town over that can accommodate jets so I indicate that I will be landing there, almost certain that this is what they intended anyway. My boss appreciates the humour though. He acknowledges my e-mail with a one-word reply.

"Chicken."

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Plus, here's a bonus helicopter link on the topic of a guy giving his kid a ride to school in a helicopter and the school officials freaking out.