Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Night Before Christmas

I don't mind the original poem, but I don't like 'Twas the Night Before Christmas parodies. So I'm not giving you one. Here is a new, original, aviation themed Christmas piece written by a Comics Curmudgeon reader I know only as Old Goat

The following is an excerpt from a CVR transcript:
Capt. S. Claus (15:26:37): Uh what a view of the Bay today.
First Officer B. Elf (15:26:42): yeah.
Elf (15:26:52): Skids up please, after takeoff checklist.
Claus (15:26:54): Skids up.
Claus (15:27:07): After takeoff checklist complete.
Claus (15:27:10.4): Birds.
Elf (15:27:11): Whoa.
(15:27:11.4): (Sound of thump/thud(s) followed by shuddering sound.)
Elf (15:27:12): oh (expletive).
Claus (15:27:13): Oh yeah.
(15:27:13): (Sound similar to decrease in reindeer noise.)
Elf (15:27:14): Uh oh.
Claus (15:27:15): We got one rolling — eight of ‘em rolling back.
(15:27:18): (Rumbling sound begins and continues until approximately 15:28:08.)
Claus (15:27:18.5): Giddy-up deer.
Claus (15:27:32.9): Mayday mayday mayday. Uh this is uh Sled One hit birds, we’ve lost power all reindeer turning back towards Pole Field.
North Pole Departure Control (15:27:42): Ok uh, you need to return to the Pole? Turn left heading of uh three six zero.
(15:27:43): (Sound similar to shaking noise from reindeer harness begins.)?___
Elf (15:28:02): Airspeed optimum restart. Three hundred knots. we don’t have that.
Claus (15:28:05): We don’t.
Departure control (15:28:05): Sled one, if we can get it for you do you want to try to land runway one three?
Elf (15:28:05): If three nineteen…
Claus (15:28:10.6): We’re unable. We may end up in Hudson Bay.
Departure control (15:28:31): Arright Sled One it’s gonna be left traffic for runway three one.
Claus (15:28:35): Unable.
Traffic Collision Avoidance System (15:28:36): Traffic traffic.
Departure control (15:28:36): Okay, what do you need to land?
Elf (15:28:37): (He wants us) to come in and land on one three … for whatever.
Predictive Windshear System (15:28:45): Go around. Windshear ahead.
Departure control (15:28:46): Sled One runway four’s available if you wanna make left traffic to runway four.
Claus (15:28:49.9): I’m not sure we can make any runway. Uh what’s over to our right anything in Canada maybe Nunavut?
Departure control (15:28:55): Ok yeah, off your left side is Nunavut airport.
Elf (15:29:00): No restart after thirty seconds, reindeer master one through eight confirm …
Departure control (15:29:02): You wanna try and go to Nunavut?
Claus (15:29:03): Yes.?___
Departure control (15:29:21): Sled One turn right two eight zero, you can land runway one at Nunavut.
Claus (15:29:22): We can’t do it.
Elf (15:29:24): Is that all the power you got? … number one? Or we got power on number one.
Departure control (15:29:27): Kay which runway would you like at Nunavut?
Flight Warning Computer (15:29:27): (Sound of continuous repetitive chime for 9.6 seconds.)
Claus (15:29:28): We’re gonna be in the Bay.
Departure control (15:29:33): I’m sorry say again Sled??___
Departure control (15:29:53): Sled One radar contact is lost you also got Saskatchewan airport off your ten o’clock about one hundred miles.
Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning system (15:29:55): Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up.
Elf (15:30:01): Got skids out.
Elf (15:30:03): Two hundred fifty feet in the air.
Ground Proximity Warning System (15:30:04): Too low. Terrain.
Elf (15:30:06): Hundred and seventy knots.
Elf (15:30:09): Got no power on any deer?
Radio from overhead commercial plane (15:30:09): I think he said he’s going in the Hudson.?___
Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning system (15:30:15): Caution terrain.
Elf (15:30:16): Hundred and fifty knots.
Claus (15:30:21): Got any ideas?
Elf (15:30:22): Actually not.
Departure control (15:30:23): Pole One if you can uh …. you got uh runway uh two nine available at Saskatchewan it’ll be ten o’clock and about ninety miles.
Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning system (15:30:24): Terrain terrain. Pull up. Pull up. (“pull up” repeats until the end of the recording).
Claus (15:30:38): Brace!

I especially like the recasting of the Hudson River as the Hudson Bay, and the resulting cameos by Nunavut and northern Saskatchewan, even though the whole of each province and territory gets one aerodrome.


amulbunny's random thoughts said...

I guess Rudolph was on reserve this flight and the company decided he didn't need to get called?

Merry Christmas and a safe weekend to you!

Chris said...

I think it's supposed to be amusing, but it made my hair stand on end.

Merry Christmas, and whatever other holidays seem appropriate :)

Josh Hawken said...

Possibly a bit bad taste, but Santa, like any other pilot has to get his MEIR renewal. The examiner turns up one year with a shotgun.

Santa says 'What's that for?'

The examiner replies 'I shouldn't really tell you, but you're going to lose an engine after departure'.

Merry Christmas from a long time reader.

majroj said...

And the missing last line (oughta be a contest):

"Well, cap'n, you and Lt. Elf passed, but barely. OK, next, into the simulator, we haveta wrap it up before we break for the holidays, chop-chop!".
Merry Christmas, ma'am, thanks.

Ben Read said...

Merry Christmas, Aviatrix!

zb said...

Very nice! I would love to have not only the CVR transcript but the whole report. Is it available yet, or are the authorities still working on it? There are so many questions left... How many hours does Santa have on this type? Does he get enough rest before each flight these days? Have they used the proper type of de-icing fluid in order to not hurt the reindeer?

(off-topic, @ aviatrix: thanks! awesome! standby for a reply via the appropriate means of communication.)

Happy holidays!

zb said...

... and I guess I keep mixing up yet and already, don't I?

Aviatrix said...

Either yet or already could have been used there, and I would have chosen yet.
Is it available already? kind of implies surprise at it being ready so soon.

Anoynmous said...

De-icing fluid for reindeer (and other live propulsion units) is taken internally. *Hic!*

D.B. said...

Not one of them said "Oh Dear!"

Michael5000 said...

"(Sound similar to decrease in reindeer noise.)"

: D

I wish I could forward this on to all of my friends, but none of them would get it.